Dear friends,
I started this email many times in my head, and each time there seemed to be much to say. My usual musings on the weather (which actually has been unexceptional lately), latest developments in my life (I'm trying to get my shit together, more on this later), and thoughts about what's happened in the past few weeks (went to Singapore, came back to Thailand - side note, Thailand is now a place to 'come back' to? wow). But each time I told myself "okay, it's time to write", I'd end up in bed with my laptop, a Gmail tab open and abandoned as I instead, watched women's soccer videos into the wee hours of the night.
All good things must come to an end, and I've exhausted even YouTube's bottomless pit of 1) match highlights, 2) cute interviews with players and teams, 3) documentaries of my favourite teams (currently, that's the US Women's National Team).
I never thought I'd be one for football fever. My principle was - if you don't play it, why watch it? I guess I can't really hold myself to that - I've always enjoyed watching Olympic gymnastics and synchronized swimming. One could say they're more distinctly artistic - even a layman can appreciate beauty in how the body is manouevered in complex, practiced ways, right? But soccer is a team sport, based on skill and strategy. What is the joy in watching a game if its reality, its rules, the spontaneity and sweetness of its own gameplay are something you haven't personally experienced?
Somewhere along the way, I had to eat my words. I followed the FIFA Women's World Cup from start to finish, and I've never been more inspired to really play the game. I've played soccer for a while, but I usually don't venture far beyond goal. I'm a decent goalie, and I always felt my footwork was terrible, so I stuck to what I was good at. But watching these women made me think - damn, why not? Recently, I've found myself going out with a ball, finding an empty patch of grass, and doing whatever drills I could dream up that didn't need more than a ball and some space. Saving YouTube tutorials like this one on closed-space dribbling. Keeping tabs on players and teams in the NWSL. Trying out new moves that I saw online, during pickup games at the center. No wonder they say ball is life. And I guess you can watch or support a sport for many other reasons than if you play it. To support your country; for the feeling of camaraderie; and maybe even a sense of belonging that comes from being part of something.
Our makeshift soccer pitch, with bamboo poles as goals. My colleagues made those, and also cut the grass in the shape of a rectangle, so it's actually pretty legit! Come visit and we can play :D
So that's been the highlight of my past month. Balling - both online, and in real life. Not very productive, really - it's become a bit of an obsession and I'm trying to tone it down. Getting into soccer brings back memories from when I used to play water polo, and it's somewhat a way to relive the competitiveness and thrill of that. But it's a sign to stop when I say I spent the last month obsessing over soccer, and that's not even an exaggeration.
With this also came the realisation that I need to Get My Shit Together. I was back in Singapore recently, and it was then that I started becoming conscious of how I've been functioning, and acting in a displaced, nomadic way for the last year or so. I've not been in one place (a lodging or country) for longer than a month, so I hadn't bothered to put down roots or make myself feel at home anywhere. I've not properly set up my room or desk (attempts were made, but scarcely maintained), or done serious grocery shopping with an eye on cooking for myself consistently. Even at AGLC where I spend most of my time, I've treated more like a place to stay the night than a space to call my own. I'd always somewhat hesitated because I knew I would be going off somewhere soon enough - the good ole 'why unpack when you have to repack again?' philosophy.
...It's nice for a while, then you start losing all your socks, misplacing important documents, and going through six different water bottles because you can't find the one you just used.
It's important for me to have a place to call home, I realise. Some people can live on the go and feel at ease and put together everywhere, but I'm not there yet. There's still a physical setting that I associate with forming and keeping up habits, which comes with a sense of ownership towards my environment. Maybe it's this mindset of "my space, your space" that I carry, and in the absence of a space I can properly call 'mine', I float in a sort of mental limbo - between acting like a guest with few obligations towards the upkeep of the place, and a proper, duty-bearing resident. This applies to both my personal habits, and interactions with other inhabitants of the space.
So in either of the places I'm staying at in Thailand (my dad's house or AGLC, which are 20 minutes apart by car), I've been contributing to, but not properly taking on any housekeeping responsibilities. I cook, feed the dogs, and sometimes clean things as I'm told (or if I make a mess), but haven't budged beyond that. Until recently when I realised that when you live with other people, home is a team effort - not just the dirty dishes that I ate from, washed and put back, or the floor and four walls of my own room. I used to think - this is my area and I'll take care of it, and that is yours and you take care of it, and it especially feels that way coming into a space that's been established and Lived In long before I came along. It's something I took for granted because everything else seemed to always have been taken care of by someone else. The fridge stocked, the floor swept, and the trash nicely sorted, which all went unnoticed until, well... I realised that if it was done, someone had to be doing it. And that someone... was not me
It was both a wake-up call, and exciting revelation. I like having things to do and systems to figure out. It's still a challenge, but it certainly keeps things interesting. All part of Getting My Shit Together.
This is probably a lesson that I'll learn over and over again, in many different forms. For now, I'm trying to take care of any of the spaces I'm in, even in small ways, just because I'm there. I suppose there's no better way to properly exist in them. Wish me luck...and discipline!
All my love (and here's hoping your shit gets, and stays together too!),
Hui Ran